Archive for the ‘Driving’ Category

If you ever get into an accident on the freeway, DO NOT stop your car in the middle of the lane and get out on the 5-lane interstate to look at the damage and trade insurance information. PULL OVER! Apparently the act of being hit by a car, or multiple cars, is not as important as making sure that our deductible will be met.

Doing so successfully pisses EVERYONE off on the freeway as well as creating instant gridlock. We also have to try to understand WHO, besides those people on COPS who run across highways after being stopped with 50 grams of blow, would stop their car, get out, and stand around while thousands of other cars are UNABLE to travel because of you and drive by slowly giving you the most evil of evil-eyes.  

Who is friends with these people or dates these people? Don’t actions like these alert you to your own impending accidental death at the hands of the Darwin award reject. These type of people enjoy slot machines in vegas too.

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We generally don’t get out much, as what kind of person with this type of cynicism would have any type of tan, and tend to only go to countries that we tend not to remember. But this is a new year and we want the chance to forget our own country.

Beginning this Sunday until March 23rd, your fearless Editor will be taking this show on the road up through San Francisco, via Santa Barbara, a short stop in the metropolis that is Reno, Nevada where Reno 911! is filmed (nope), and then a final stopover in Vegas for the opening two rounds of March Madness.

As such, any on-site reporting (if) should be taken with just a bit of salt.

Bippity Boppity, gimme the Zoppity.

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Let’s start with the facts that we know:  You are entitled to nothing.  You do not have special privileges, nor is there any reason why you would gain an upper hand and driving is no exception. Especially in Los Angeles and other commuter cities where you will sometimes need something from someone else, i.e. room to merge.  

What everyone needs to learn is that no one cares about you and nor will they look out for anyones well-being but themselves.

Which brings us to the classic driving maneuver and today’s topic of the fine art of Merging correctly.

A Sign of Potential Fun Ahead


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People like to go fast and generally I think most safe driving people will generally travel about 70-80mph on the freeways and 40-50 on the streets depending on conditions. Normal people change lanes when they need/want to go at those faster speeds–sometimes we’ll even give a look to the other person to let them know how much better we are than them as we get to where we need to quicker cause we are more important.  We all do this and we all see this everyday and its life–a constant give and take.   Then sometimes, when someone wants to go faster than everyone else by a wider margin, people tend to become one of two types of speeding assholes:

  •  The Euro-Trash Speeder: This is where the car weaves in and out of traffic at a high rate of speed.  Much like euro-trash people drive their cars on the autobahns in Germany. Most notably done in Asian and European Cars due to their ability to go other ways than straight.
  • The American Speeder:  This is the guy who doesn’t change lanes, but just gets in that fast lane and guns it.  He has no care for how slow you are going, and will wait till the absolute last minute to slam on his breaks.  This actually works out for you because a rear end collision is always the result of the driver coming from the behind.

Some people will get out of the way and move on, while some will see these small-brained fellows as an excellent opportunity to have some fun – and heres how to properly do so as only a Jerk can show!  


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