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Posts Tagged ‘rant’

I really try hard to not be judgmental, but when I hear someone openly convey their desire to listen to U2, I find it hard to trust them with making popcorn in the microwave.

What other shitty decisions are they making in their life? I’m not sticking around to find out.

Maybe its just me.


A sign to walk away.

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It doesn’t matter what song it is – it still sucks.

Even if its a cool little jingle of bells and whistles – I don’t want to hear it, and no one else does either.

Whatever song you choose will be annoying after hearing the same 30 second excerpt over and over and over again, since the only people who actually buy ringtones are the type of people who will get calls and texts more often than the standard cell phoner.  Moreover, the people who buy more than one ringtone or make their own ringtones are the kind of people who enjoy high gas and commodity prices since they are used to throwing money down the drain. These are also the type of people who purchase goods and services from commercials on television. They have numerous free samples of Celebrex, many prescriptions for Levitra, a couple Ronco Food Dehydrators, and Royal Diamond Cookware.

I feel that specific judgments can therefore be made and drawn based on a persons choice of the form of indication for an incoming missive.  Lets say in the odd event I go to a “club and/or bar”, if I meet a young lady with a hip and cool ringtone, I involunarily ask myself what else is wrong with this person.

If they are making this psychotic and horrible decision, what other sick choices could they be making in life?

I choose not to find out.

PS. I used to work at this talent agency in beverly hills and along with the hundreds of calls per day that became routine, I had to also listen to the same jingle that came from this one fat junior agents desk all day as she got sms updates from Jdate. I would routinely scream out “VIBRATE FOR CHRIST’S SAKE” to no avail. However, I grew to enjoy the jingle as I soon became its source. Julie, Bob Sterncohenmanberg says hello.

Good Times.

 
One of the few businesses driven by pure stupidity.

 

 

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We had to deal with a little bit of stuff in the past few months – but at least we are stocked with hatred until the next millennia.

Let us recommence with our favorite store in the mall we love to walk by and attempt to comprehend its customers, employees, corporate officers, clothing designers, and other people who voluntarily work there and among its affiliates – Hollister, you’re in this bunch too. I find it difficult to understand the mind set someone who both has to choose to work for, and associates a sense of “hip and cool” with a store that utilizes a glut of New Englander-Nantucket asshole style wasps to NOT wear its clothes in their advertisements. It’s essentially an endless circle of dumbass, the same people who buy it are the same people who work there and they associate with those same people = dumbassi (the plural of dumbass).


I’m confused, do they sell footballs?

The only thing you see when you walk by the store is a guy HUGE picture of a guy without a shirt. Sometimes, if you are really lucky, you might actually get an actually person – with their shirt off. I’m a straight man, and im assuming this brand is attempting to bring in all creeds, races, etc., but why would you place a gigantic picture of a man and his chest and have half of the entire store dedicated to either sex.

My thought process does NOT go: Mall – Store – Guy with no shirt on – desire to buy these products and thereby become said guy with shirt off.

My thought process DOES work this way: Mall – Store – Guy with no shirt on – What the hell? What is this place?

My other issue, besides an unusual amount of clothes which attempt to recreate a Dr. Livingstong/Rudyard Kipling but im going to Harvard feel, is their constant abuse on the human nasal cavities. I can’t walk by this store and not be hit with a wall of shitty cologne. Once you walk in, its almost like they pump in cologne through the air conditioning–much like can be done with anthrax to effectively kill people in a room quickly and easily.

My main issue with the Abercrombie cologne is that it DOESN’T cause death after being in its grasp for a few minutes. It stays with you and follows you and then ruins anyone else you see for the next two weeks – or roughly 14 showers. This is some nasty shit.

So what type of person are they trying to attract into their establishment? Frankly I feel that certain characteristics of their stores has directly influenced their customers living and social habits. Never has a company created a persona of its intended customer base, and CONVERTED people to act and behave like their suggested models would. People don’t just have a shirt of a pair of pants from this brand; they have entire sets of clothes that all work together and have a gross amount of unnecessary zippers and pockets that allow you to be able to hold all those nails you wanted to hold. Many Thanks Abrcrombie!

Sidenote: When I was going to college, I had this horrible roommate who would never wear a shirt, smell like cologne at all hours, and seemed to get the entire bathroom wet whenever he would use it. I mean entirely. It is not a coincidence then to find out that this same person worked at A&F for a long period of time, and was even “moving up to Assistant Manager” at one point. It was difficult for me to understand that a corporation would give this man more responsibility beyond that of the folding of a shirt, and asking the same person over and over again, “Do you need me to get you a size?”. Frankly it was appalling.

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If you ever get into an accident on the freeway, DO NOT stop your car in the middle of the lane and get out on the 5-lane interstate to look at the damage and trade insurance information. PULL OVER! Apparently the act of being hit by a car, or multiple cars, is not as important as making sure that our deductible will be met.

Doing so successfully pisses EVERYONE off on the freeway as well as creating instant gridlock. We also have to try to understand WHO, besides those people on COPS who run across highways after being stopped with 50 grams of blow, would stop their car, get out, and stand around while thousands of other cars are UNABLE to travel because of you and drive by slowly giving you the most evil of evil-eyes.  

Who is friends with these people or dates these people? Don’t actions like these alert you to your own impending accidental death at the hands of the Darwin award reject. These type of people enjoy slot machines in vegas too.


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Welcome to 2008 where it’s important to have dignity.  


Any place that sells these is making money on stupidity.

There only acceptable use is to tell us who to avoid.

Even if you got them for free, throw them away, and rejoin society where most of us aware of what is a shoe, and what is used for the gym shower.

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Put it down and stop being a consumer. Women don’t make sexual decisions based purely on scent – the gym tells us this. There isn’t a place on this world where the scent of a man out-values that of his wealth, charm, looks, or social class, let alone a scent purchased for less than a Coffee Bean Cinnamon Roll (btw, highly recommended when heated in a microwave).

Everyday, men are provided with new and inexpensive ways to attract women without actually asking a girl what she wants to smell when you walk by? When it comes to fragrance, and in many cases, shaving products, the best companies are those that have been around for decades and whose products don’t only come in Aerosol form.

I think this all stems from to the basic causal relationship between women and men: Women don’t like cheap men, and an Axe man is a cheap man. Therefore women don’t like a man who wears Axe.


Ah, Smells Like Attractive!

Further Ranting after the jump
(more…)

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Each week, one of our Hall of Fame Haters will have one of their most appreciated bits, lyrics, rants, and videos on display so others can begin the education of these great comedians; or more appropriately, revolutionaries.  

This week: George Carlin’s bit on Guys Named Todd: 

  

As always, you can purchase this CD via this link. 

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